Summertime with Siblings

With summer right around the corner, many families are preparing for their kids spending more time at home together. While extra sibling time can create more opportunities for bonding and connection, it can also mean more rivalry, conflict, and simply more getting on each other’s (and their parents’) nerves.

The good news is that sibling conflict is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. In fact, sibling research offers some reassuring findings for parents who worry about how often their children fight. Siblings who experience high levels of conflict but are also emotionally close are actually more likely to grow up to have close relationships as adults. In contrast, siblings who rarely interact and mostly leave each other alone in childhood are more likely to remain emotionally distant later in life. In other words, if your children bicker often but also genuinely enjoy one another’s company, that generally bodes well for their long-term relationship.

Research also shows that parenting style plays a significant role in how siblings relate to one another. Overly strict or permissive parenting approaches tend to lead to more conflict and less closeness between siblings. Because children learn primarily through modeling, the way parents handle stress, conflict, and discipline tends to become the template children use in their own relationships.

Below are some practical ways to support more connection and cooperation between siblings this summer:

Notice and comment on positive interactions

Make it a point to notice even small acts of kindness or cooperation between siblings. This could be something as simple as one child letting the other choose the music in the car or offering to share a snack.

Most children thrive on positive attention from their parents, and when kindness is noticed and reinforced, they are more likely to repeat those behaviors.

Build in intentional alone time

When children are spending large amounts of time together and conflict is increasing, many parents understandably resort to sending one or both children to “time out.” Instead, consider proactively implementing scheduled quiet time or alone time during the day.

This gives each child an opportunity to decompress and allows their nervous system time to settle after the stimulation of the day. Unlike punishment-based timeouts, intentional alone time removes the shame or resentment children may associate with being sent away because of sibling conflict. Often, children are better able to reconnect positively once they’ve had some space to recharge.

Avoid comparing siblings

Try to avoid verbally comparing your children to one another, as doing so can increase dysregulation, rivalry, and feelings of inadequacy.

For example, instead of saying, “Your evening would go so much more smoothly if you just did your homework right away like your sister,” try, “Remember, our rule is that homework gets done before tech time.”

It is incredibly important for siblings’ relationships with one another, and their individual self-worth, that children do not perceive favoritism between siblings.

Avoid placing children into fixed roles

Similarly, try not to label children based on personality, talents, age, or gender. Statements like, “She’s the athlete in the family” or “He’s our sensitive one” may seem harmless, but they can unintentionally pressure children into rigid identities and create unnecessary comparison between siblings. Children benefit from feeling free to explore different interests and aspects of themselves without feeling boxed into a particular role within the family.

Encourage teamwork instead of competition

Look for opportunities that encourage siblings to work together rather than compete against one another. Cooperative activities help children experience each other as teammates instead of adversaries.

This could include:

• Building a puzzle or Lego set together

• Playing cooperative board games where everyone wins or loses as a team (Peaceable Kingdom has many great options)

• Going on a "team" scavenger hunt

• Working together to get a chore done before mom or dad

Shared positive experiences help strengthen sibling connection and create opportunities for laughter, teamwork, and emotional bonding.

Handling verbal and physical aggression between siblings

Sometimes sibling conflict shifts from mild arguing into words or actions that can cause real harm. When that happens, or seems about to happen, parental intervention is necessary.

In these moments, many parents understandably resort to punishment, often because they themselves are dysregulated. However, punishment frequently increases resentment toward both the sibling and the parent, which can ultimately lead to more aggression or becoming "sneakier" with their actions in the future.

Instead, after making sure the hurt child is safe and comforted, and taking a moment to regulate yourself, consider using the “connect and redirect” approach with the child who acted aggressively.

1. Connect

Start by connecting with the emotion underneath the behavior: “I know you were really upset when your brother knocked over your tower after you worked so hard on it.”

This step is incredibly important, yet is often skipped over. Validating emotions helps children feel heard and understood, which allows their nervous system to settle more quickly.

2. Redirect

Once your child is calmer, redirect the behavior: “It makes a lot of sense that you feel angry, but hitting isn’t okay. If your brother knocks over your tower again, you can come ask me for help. Can you think of anything else you could do if this happens again?”

This teaches children that all emotions are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.

3. Repair

Finally, help your child repair the hurt caused to their sibling. Repair does not necessarily have to look like the traditional "I'm sorry", particularly if your child is unable to say it sincerely. If your child wants to say they're sorry, that’s wonderful, but there are many other meaningful ways to repair relationship ruptures.

For example, your child might:

• Offer a hug

• Help rebuild the tower

• Make an apology card

• Do a kind gesture or chore for their sibling

Encourage repair and make it clear that it needs to happen, while also recognizing that children may need time to become emotionally ready to engage in it authentically.

Many of the strategies discussed here come from Dr. Laura Markham’s book "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings", which I often recommend to families struggling with sibling dynamics. If you are concerned about how one of your children is interacting with their sibling(s), play therapy can help. It is not uncommon for children to express painful or overwhelming feelings through conflict with siblings, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Play therapy can help children develop healthier ways of expressing emotions, regulating themselves, and strengthening their relationships so siblings can remain a source of connection and support for one another.