Nurturing Friendship for Neurodivergent Kids

Most of us can recall a time or situation where we felt like we didn't fit in. Unfortunately, this can feel more like on an ongoing experience rather than an occasional moment for many neurodivergent children. As a parent, it can be painful to watch your child long for connection yet struggle to find it, or to feel out of sync with peers no matter how hard they try. While the desire for your child to be accepted by their peers is natural, the goal isn’t for your child to change so they're more likely to be accepted by others. It’s to help them find connection in ways that honor their nervous system, communication style, and natural way of being in relationship.

Why Friendship Can Feel Hard for Neurodivergent Kids

Many neurodivergent children want friendship just as much as their peers but may experience:

• Difficulty reading unspoken social cues like facial expressions or when it’s their turn to speak

• Impulsivity in words or actions that may create an unintentional relational rupture

• Sensory overwhelm in loud, busy environments

• Social exhaustion, even during interactions that appear successful

• Literal or black-and-white thinking and difficulty understanding nuance

• Intense passions or special interests that others around them may not share

  These are not flaws; they are just differences in how their nervous system processes connection.

  
  

The Double Empathy Bind: A Mismatch, Not a Deficit

Autistic researcher Damian Milton describes the double empathy bind, a concept that explains that communication struggles between neurotypical and neurodivergent people go both ways. It isn’t that neurodivergent kids lack empathy or the desire to connect; it’s that both groups have a hard time understanding each other's communication style.

If your child seems out of sync with neurotypical peers, it doesn’t mean they won't make friends. It may simply mean they haven’t found people who speak their relational language yet.

Neurodivergent-to-Neurodivergent Friendship Is Powerful

Many neurodivergent kids feel more understood when they connect with other neurodivergent kids (or adults). These friendships might look different:

• Playing side by side with minimal interaction (parallel play) rather than playing together (reciprocal play)

• Joyfully info-dumping about a shared passion

• Deep, focused conversation rather than casual small talk

• Quick, intense friendship formed around mutual enthusiasm

This is real connection, even if it doesn’t match the typical picture of childhood friendship. The most meaningful friendships are often those in which a child doesn’t have to translate themselves.

Mixed-Age Friendships Can Be a Better Fit for Some Neurodivergent Kids

Many neurodivergent children have a developmental profile that doesn’t follow a straight line. A child might speak like a small adult about dinosaurs or computer coding, yet have emotional regulation skills that align more closely with a younger age group. This isn’t immaturity; it’s a nervous system developing on its own timeline.

Because of this, mixed-age play or connecting with younger children can feel easier, safer, and more enjoyable. Younger or more flexible playmates often:

• Engage in imaginative play without rigid social rules

• Are more accepting of big enthusiasm, silliness, or passionate interests

• Carry less social hierarchy, making the dynamic feel more relaxed

When a child feels safe and successful in these environments, they develop confidence that later supports them in making friendships with same-age peers.

What Kids Really Need From Their Parents

Affirm Their Worth Before Teaching Skills

Before any social coaching, anchor your child in belonging:

“You are someone worth knowing exactly as you are. There are people who will love being your friend.”

Children know whether we’re trying to help them connect or trying to help them blend in.

Highlight Their Strengths

Point out and build upon the qualities of your neurodivergent child that make them a good friend, such as their empathy, authenticity, enthusiasm, loyalty, inclusivity, etc.

Teach Friendship as a Learnable Skill

Role-play common social scenarios such as joining a group or sharing a toy (make it fun and silly to encourage participation.) Practice phrases like “Can I play too?”. Friendship can be learned, just like reading or riding a bike.

Regulate First, Connect Second

Kids can’t practice social skills when their nervous system is overwhelmed. Build in breaks and exit strategies:

“If your body starts feeling tight or jumpy, that might mean you need to take a little break from playing.”

Gentle Ways to Support Social Connection

• Start with one-on-one or interest-based spaces rather than chaotic group settings

• Stay close by on play dates, particularly in the early stages of friendship building, so you can offer co-regulation and in-the-moment guidance if needed

• Use their passions as a bridge-"You both really like Minecraft; how cool!"

• Normalize breaks during play, so connection stays within their window of tolerance

• Partner with your child's school- many schools offer social skills or "lunch bunch" groups led by a mental health professional

• Celebrate effort, not outcome — “I noticed you went over to say hi. That took courage.”

• Teach simple repair language — Even small scripts like “Can we try again?” help build relational resilience

• Honor online friendships and quiet, niche connections — These are often deeply meaningful for neurodivergent kids who thrive in shared-interest spaces

How Play Therapy Creates a Safe Space for Authentic Connection

For many neurodivergent kids, the world often asks them to fit into social environments that weren't designed with them in mind. Even spaces that are meant to be inclusive, like schools or teams, can become places where masking feels necessary to belong. Over time, constantly adjusting themselves to fit in can be exhausting and can make friendship feel even more complicated.

Play therapy offers something different. In the playroom, a child’s natural way of communicating—through movement, imagination, intensity, creativity, repetition, humor, or passionate storytelling—is not just allowed, it’s welcomed. They don’t have to perform or guess the hidden rules of connection. Their nervous system gets to experience what it feels like to be with another person without being asked to change who they are first.

In Synergetic Play Therapy, we don’t teach kids to hide what makes them unique. Instead, we create a relational space where their full expression is met with presence, regulation, and genuine curiosity. That experience of being fully seen and still welcomed becomes a reference point—a felt sense inside their body that says, “It’s possible to be myself in relationship.”

For many neurodivergent children, this is the foundation that makes real friendship possible.

A Gentle Reminder: Different Doesn’t Mean Less

It’s easy to look back on our childhoods—neighborhood play, long afternoons outside, friendships that unfolded effortlessly—and wonder why things don’t look the same for our kids. But today’s world is more structured, more competitive, and more performance-based socially. Many neurodivergent children don’t follow the typical “best friends” model, and that’s okay.

Online connections, passion-based friendships, mixed-age play, short bursts of deep connection, or even just having one person they feel safe sitting next to—these all count as meaningful friendship.

True Friendship Should Feel Like Relief

For neurodivergent kids, real friendship often feels like exhale—a place where their body can soften, where their interests aren’t “too much,” and where being quiet, intense, silly, or deeply passionate is welcome.

Neurodivergent children don’t need to be changed to deserve friendship. They just need spaces—and people—where they don’t have to work so hard to be understood.