Hidden Grief at the Holidays: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief in Parents

The holidays are often portrayed as joyful, effortless, and filled with connection. But for many parents raising children with emotional, behavioral, or developmental challenges, this season can bring up something rarely talked about: disenfranchised grief.

The term, first introduced by grief expert Dr. Kenneth Doka, describes the kind of grief that isn’t openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly validated. For many parents navigating emotional or behavioral struggles with their kids, this quiet grief can become especially noticeable during the holiday season.

What Disenfranchised Grief Can Look Like for Parents

1. Grieving the holiday you hoped for

You may imagine traditions filled with relaxation and togetherness. But when a child has a more sensitive nervous system, anxiety, trauma, or has experienced a disruption to their family, even simple activities can go from fun to overwhelming.

Instead of “holiday magic,” you might find yourself navigating meltdowns, shutdowns, family conflict, or withdrawal.

2. Grieving the “normalcy” that others seem to have

Seeing other families enjoy outings, gatherings, or travel seemingly with ease can stir up sadness or envy, even when you’re genuinely happy for them.

3. Grieving the ease you wish your child had

It can be painful to watch other kids jump into social situations or holiday activities while your child hesitates or becomes dysregulated. This is common for families navigating ADHD, anxiety, autism, and other neurodivergent experiences.

You’re not grieving the child you have, but the challenges they face.

4. Grieving the loss of support or understanding

Parents often feel misunderstood or judged during the holidays, especially by extended family members who may not understand your child’s unique needs or your parenting approach. Being met with unsolicited advice or criticism can add another layer of grief.

5. Grieving your own depleted capacity

Sometimes the grief is about you: your exhaustion, your bandwidth, your sense of “I thought I’d be able to enjoy this more.” That’s a real loss, too.

You may miss the version of yourself you hoped to bring into the season: rested, playful, flexible.

Why This Grief Often Goes Unseen

Disenfranchised grief is powerful precisely because it’s invisible. Parents don't often talk about it because:

• it challenges the Hallmark holiday narrative

• our culture tends to avoid grief in general

• they worry it will be misunderstood as ungratefulness

• they don’t want anyone thinking they wish their child was different

• others may minimize the realities of parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system

• the grief feels “too small” or “not legitimate enough”

• many parents think they’re the only ones feeling this way

But acknowledging grief doesn’t mean you’re not also grateful. It simply means you’re human.

How Hidden Grief Affects the Nervous System

From a Synergetic Play Therapy perspective, unprocessed grief creates dysreuglation in the nervous system. It can show up as:

• irritability

• emotional numbness

• shutdown

• muscle tension

• difficulty staying present

• overwhelm with planning and expectations

• increased reactivity or sensitivity

• burnout or fatigue

Your nervous system is working hard during a season filled with stimulation and expectations, so be gentle with yourself.

Supporting Yourself Through Disenfranchised Grief This Holiday Season

Notice what you feel without judging it

Instead of “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try:

• “This is a lot for me.”

• “Of course this feels sad.”

• “I can love my child deeply and still feel grief.”

Name the specific grief

You might quietly acknowledge:

• “I’m grieving the holiday I imagined.”

• “I wish this felt easier for my child.”

• “This isn’t the season I thought we’d have.”

Naming the grief makes it less overwhelming and reduces shame.

Adjust expectations with intention

You’re not lowering the bar; you’re creating a holiday that honors your child’s sensory needs, your family’s bandwidth, and your own nervous system.

Less pressure often creates space for more genuine connection.

Look for small, meaningful moments

Moments such as simple crafts, a cozy movie, a drive to look at lights, or a comforting meal often create the deepest sense of holiday connection for children who struggle with stimulation or transitions.

Seek support where it’s available

This may be your child’s therapist, a trusted friend, a partner, or another parent who understands the realities of supporting struggling kids.

Being witnessed matters.

If You're Looking For Support This Season

If things are feeling heavy or complicated in your home this holiday season, you're not alone. The holidays are hard for many of us for a variety of reasons.

Supporting families through stressful times is what I do in a nutshell, and I’m here to help you and your child find steadier ground. Please reach out for a free consultation if you’d like support.